


I Am

by Immovable_McLennon



Category: British Actor RPF, Rocketman (2019), Rocketman (2019) RPF
Genre: Inspired by Music, M/M, communication via letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 13:48:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21459070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immovable_McLennon/pseuds/Immovable_McLennon
Summary: Richard has found a letter on his doorstep. Will it mean the end of his friendship with Taron?
Relationships: Taron Egerton/Richard Madden
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29





	I Am

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a long time ago for another fandom. I decided to re-write it and make it fit Madderton.  
The story was inspired by the song "I am" by Rea Garvey.

Richard's fingers were trembling when he held the letter in his hand. He had been asking himself when it would get too much for Taron. When his friend couldn't bare the distance anymore. A little voice inside his head was happy about the letter, another one was afraid of what was inside. What if he really had gone too far? If his fears really had destroyed their friendship.  
Like a warning that white envelope had lain in front of his door. His eyes had automatically wandered around, searching for clues, that his friend was still around somewhere but he couldn't see him anywhere. Disappointment swept him over him.

The keys in his hand clattered, making clear that he was still completely beside himself, that his body just wouldn't calm down. Too much was at stake right now. Slowly he entered his flat and leant against the door, breathing heavily. The letter caught his attention over and over again, the question of its content frightening him but he just had to open it.

Carefully he opened it and took out the piece of paper and the CD that were inside. He looked at both items and then put the CD away for the moment. He'd look at it more closely later on. The words of his friend were way more important roght now. Slowly he unfolded the paper and let his gaze wander over the familiar handwriting. His heart was painfully contracting and it cost him quite an effort to start reading. He just hoped that this wouldn't destroy everything. It just had to.

_"Hey mate!_

__

_(I'd rather write something else, because you are so much more to me than just a 'mate'! But I don't dare to. I just don't know what is right and what is wrong between us at the moment.)_

_As you can see I'm more than just a little confused. But does that actually surprise you?  
At the moment I feel like I'm falling into a dark hole and nobody's there to catch me. Not even you! You preferred to leave me alone, to keep your distance and for a long time I have asked myself why._

_You know what, Rich?  
It hurt me and for a long time I looked for a mistake that I had made. Something that I had done wrong. I asked myself over and over again what I could have done wrong, what I had overlooked. I couldn't come up with an answer except for 'NOTHING!' again and again. But still I felt guilty. I have seen it in the eyes of the people close to us. The silent questions. The search for an explanation. I couldn't give it because I didn't have it either. It was impossible because you preferred to stay silent._

_You can't imagine how angry I was. Angry and disappointed. You seemed to suddenly not care about our friendship anymore. Instead I did all the more. With everyday I didn't see you, I missed you a little bit more. Sure through our friends and colleagues I know that you still came to the events and the galas or whatever else was on the schedule, that you still informed yourself about what's going on with the movie at the moment – but only when I wasn't around or when you could make sure I wouldn't be able to get anywhere near you. For some time I planned to just wait for you, to provoke a meeting. But I didn't dare to do it. The fear of making everything even worse than it already was too strong._

_All I had left was the hope that at some point you would come back completely. That you would come back to me. Back to how it was before._  
_And I don't care if you want to hear this or not. Tough luck!_  
_I've had enough. I can't wait anymore. Not after I realised today, what went wrong between us..._  
_I love you, Richard! And you know what?_  
_I know that you love me too._

_I can imagine how you look right now. Shocked would probably not even come close. Maybe you might even be amused or angry. You'd want to deny it and throw insults at me. But if you would only think about it for a second, if you listened to your heart you would know that I was right._  
_That this is the reason you're keeping this distance and hurt the both of us unnecessarily. We're both hurting Rich and only you can change something about it. No matter how much I'd like to, my hands are tied. At least until you make the first step towards me. Until you finally allow me to take you in my arms again._

_When you're not around there's something missing. I miss the banter, your smile... Do you even know how much I love that? Because it's only for me. No one else sees it und that are the most precious moments I have. When you're happy your eyes sparkle and they seem to send out so much tenderness that it took my breath away a few times. _  
_Now I know why._  
_I miss your hugs, or just those moments where you're giving me those sweet little touches. Meaningful... I know you feel the same._  
_I miss your voice. All the time it makes something inside of me tingle. Be it when we worked on a scene together or even if you just talk to me.  
I miss you, Richard!_

_I know that was soppy but I had to say it. Otherwise it'll eat me up inside out. And I just hope that you'll believe me, that you'll finally understand._  
_You know what the interesting thing is? The fact how I came to this conclusion._  
_When I was back home at my mum's this song came on the radio. It's by Rea Garvey. You know that Irish singer with the long hair?_  
_Anyway when I heard that song for the first time I wasn't capable of doing anything sensible anymore. I must've looked pretty confused, since mum looked at me, shock written on her face and then pulled me into a hug. I don't know how long we stood there like this but it felt good. I was glad I wasn't alone at that moment. To have someone who keeps you grounded._

_Even if I now believe that if this wasn't about us, our friendship, you would have laughed at me... I know you mate. And I know myself. I'm way too emotional at times. But that really was necessary yesterday._  
_Rea has put exactly that into words what was going through my mind. And I had only one more wish, that you would hear it too and understand. That the penny finally drops and you stopped running away from me. That you have the heart to talk to me about your feelings._  
_I don't know if it was the right decision but the song is on the CD I sent you._  
_[Listen...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eHQKjSdTGk)"_

***  
He couldn't keep on reading. Taron's words hurt him. Not because they're quite direct or because he was miffed about them but because they showed him how daft he had acted. Out of fear of his own feelings he had hurt his best friend. The man who loved him and he should love as well. But to admit to that and accept it was a whole different story. Could he really have been that blind? Had his need for self-protection really ruled out every other possibility?

His hands were still trembling. Richard didn't know if they ever stopped since he had picked up that letter. Inside him tension had spread which he couldn't or didn't want to explain. Because the only explanation that came to his mind wasn't realisable - to pull Taron into his arms, just hold him and hope that he'd forgive him.

His gaze wandered over to the CD. The question if he really wanted to listen to the song came to his mind. In the end he decided to do it. After all he wanted to know what made Taron so emotional and made him write this letter.  
The quiet melody captured him immediately. With his eyes closed he listened to Rea's soft voice and goosebumps appeared right away.

**I know you listen**  
**But do you hear?**  
**You speak of visions**  
**Are they clear?**

**You search for something that is just not there**  
**You say you love me but you just can't care**  
**I want to be there for you every day**  
**Don't take the steps from the ladder**  
**Don't take them away.**

Already the first few lines made him tear up. He could imagine how Taron must've felt only too well. The intensity of this song was overwhelming and he wished nothing more than to have the Welsh man by his side right now. To hold him and to make up for what he fucked up. How could he have been so blind?

**Cause I am**  
**Yes I am**

He tried to imagine how Taron must've felt yesterday. He was glad to know that his mum was by his side. Someone he could trust with his life. He was glad his friend didn't need to go through all of that by himself. He knew too well how caught up in music Taron could get, how emotional he could get. And if it was such a song... Taron was emotional and that is one of the things he loved so much about him.

**I am the one who gave you words when you had nothing to say**  
**I am the one who pulled you close, you were pushing away**  
**I am the one who picked you up and kept you close by my side**  
**I am the one who holds you and gives you everything**  
**I am**

Richard gulped. Those words hit home and he began to understand. He could imagine what he did to Taron. What he did to himself. Taron had always been there for him. If he was at a loss, his best friend would take his hand and guide him through it. Together they had overcome so much. And what did he do? Push him away and let him stand at an abyss alone.

**You feel you're hurting but you can't see the blood**  
**You know what it is**  
**You got a fear inside you have to give up**  
**And let me in**

**I want to touch you but I just can't say**  
**I want to love you but you won't love me**  
**I feel you by my side but where have you gone**  
**You say you're standing still; I see you run**

Those words hit him hard and he couldn't do anything but hope that Taron didn't believe in them. That he'd find a way to convince him otherwise. Whatever happened between the, whatever gap was between them at the moment – he didn't want it anymore and he saw in Taron's words that he felt the same.  
They were excuses. The only possibility for him, to protect himself and his friend. But slowly Richard realized that that had backfired, indirectly anyway.  
It does however have one positive effect – he finally saw clear what he wanted and Taron did too.

**Cause I am**  
**Yes I am**

**I am the one who gave you words when you had nothing to say**  
**I am the one who pulled you close, you were pushing away**  
**I am the one who picked you up and kept you close by my side**  
**I am the one who holds you and gives you everything**  
**I am**

Slowly he was able to calm down. Warmth was spreading in his body. There it was. The conclusion, the admission – He loved Taron and he would do anything to show him that.  
While the song was still playing in the background, he grabbed the letter and looked for the spot where he had stopped reading.

**Take my hand, don't let go**  
**Call my name, hold me close**

**I want to hold you but I just can't care**  
**I want to touch you but you're just not here**  
**I am**  
**Yes I am**

**I want to hold you but you just can't care**  
**I want to touch you but you're just not here**  
**I am**  
**Yes I am**

Once again he looked over the last paragraph. He could only agree with Taron. It seemed like Rea had written the song about them. And that made him falter for a moment. But not long, all he felt then was relief. It seemed like the world was lifted off his shoulders.

***

_"Rea has put exactly that into words what was going through my mind. And I had only one more wish, that you would hear it too and understand. That the penny finally drops and you stop running away from me. That you have the heart to talk to me about your feelings._  
_I don't know if it was the right decision but the song is on the CD I sent you._  
_Listen..._

_I'm quite certain that you stopped reading immediately to listen to the song. Am I right? Certainly. Well?_  
_Rea's unbelievable, isn't he? And I'm not only speaking of how frighteningly true the lyrics are. And it's nice to have people like mum around. I'd have loved to never ever release her from the hug again. But you know what I'd have loved even more? To hug you._  
_Just like now. The imagination of you sitting in your living room with tears in your eyes, still latching onto my letter and getting a headache from Rea's soft voice is killing me._  
_To say it in his words:_

_**Take my hand, don't let go**_  
_**Call my name, hold me close**_

****

_Richard?_  
_Let me back in your life and open that door at last._

_With all my Love,_  
_Taron"_

Richard stared at the last lines flabbergasted and then to the door. Could it really be true? Would Taron be waiting on the other side and everything would turn out to be alright?  
His feet refused to carry him those few meters. The last few lines of the song were still going through his head and only gradually he realized the wetness on his cheeks. Taron had been right with every word. He really did know him too well.

Pulling himself together he crossed the short distance. His hand was already on the handle when he started to shake again.  
What if he was wrong? If he was reading something into Taron's words that wasn't actually there?  
He would never find out, if he carried on cowardly standing there, staring at the closed the door. Getting up the nerve, he opened the door slightly.  
The hall was empty...  
For a moment he closed his eyes and tried to breath calmly. This shouldn't affect him that much but it still did.

"Hey you." The soft voice made him reopen his eyes. Relieved he looked into Taron's eyes. He could see they were slightly red but they were still as beautiful as he remembered. That green he loved so much and he could lose himself in.  
Right now he didn't care where he just came from, the only thing that was important is him being here. Without any hesitation he pulled his friend into a hug with the intention of never letting him go again. And for the first time in weeks Richard was able to breath a sigh of relief. To feel Taron's arms wrapped around his body and Taron's lips on his temple, where they had planted a kiss so many times before, was all he wished for  
And they would wangle the rest as well...

**Cause I am**  
**Yes I am**

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.


End file.
